Subject: 100% Legitimate Pollution Exemption Request

Washington, D.C. – Today, the New York Times reported that Donald Trump is streamlining his giveaways to corporate polluters and will grant them permission to increase their pollution based on a single request via email. The Trump administration even offers a template companies can use to get approvals. Here’s what we imagine this email might look like.

Dear President Trump,

Hello! How are you? We request an exemption from critical health protections so our company can put toxic chemicals into the air. 

We are requesting the exemption because we’d like to continue profiting off of exposing people to harmful pollution.  

Exempting us from protections against chemicals like mercury, which causes brain damage in children, might sound serious. But we can assure you, our reasons are entirely legitimate and have nothing to do with making massive amounts of money. 

PS— For reasons unrelated to the above email, we also wanted to highlight the list of enormous donations we made to your campaign, which are conveniently collected at this website. 

Yours Truly, 

Corporate Polluters